Where I am Now

Daffodils 2014


2014 has so far offered me much self-examination centered around areas that I thought were long ago dealt with. Isn’t that always the case though these days? Layers peel back, we discard them, only to find that another layer takes its place, albeit a thinner one.

But this layer was not thinner, it was far thicker than it should have been for all the past work I had done on it.

It all began when my partner at last found a job that is far more satisfying for him. He has been searching for the right one for the last few years, staying in a job that brought him a lot of stress and lack of fulfilment to keep money coming in. But this job will mean us moving again (bringing up issues to deal with around kids, ex partners etc) and, unexpectedly, him working away in the week on a project for the first four months.

While I was over joyed that he got the job, while I could see the bigger picture of where this could lead him, and indeed, where it could lead me, and while all these things were positive, the details took hold. It started with dealing with children. My nineteen year old has had to leave home, although he was already in the process, as his job is in this area, and, well, we will be moving in the next few months. He isn’t unhappy, but it is always a big deal to a mother when her son leaves home.

My thirteen year old son has taken it with outbursts of venom, tantrums and hatred of us all and the job. Not unexpected, but it takes its toll.

The younger two, one of whom doesn’t live with us, don’t really comprehend at present.

But by far the biggest blow, the one that sent me reeling and looking within, was how I felt when my partner was away. This wasn’t just missing someone, this was a piece of me being away from me for days each week. This stopped me in my tracks, stopped me functioning, sent me spiralling and I stood and watched not knowing what to do to stop this. No one could help. Everyone said it wouldn’t be for long, it was all for the greater good etc and inside I screamed, ‘I KNOW THAT!’ But it didn’t help. I could see the bigger picture but the details were like quicksand dragging me down.

I hurt, physically, inside. I grieved. I asked, ‘Where is my new and wonderful thing that will make me feel so fulfilled?’ I felt insecure. I felt like a child in need of attention. And I was all of those things.

It took many hours of self reflection, many hours of card readings, readings by others, and reading books, two in particular, to get to where I am now, two months into the four. And I am not out of the woods yet, although I can see daylight through the trees.

The range of emotions went from excitement, love, happiness, longing, hurt, grief, resentment, fear, anger, guilt and complete desperation. I felt wrung out and in need of help, but I had no idea where to get it. Except from my guides, Angels, my own inner self.

I asked for help, I thanked the Universe for any little glimmer that arrived, I sought answers, and gradually they appeared.

The two books I mentioned are The New Earth Awakening by Eckhart Toll, a brilliant little book that brought me much needed awareness and recognition of the ego taking control, and help clawing my way back to the Now. And the other was Positive EFT by Silvia Hartmann, a boost to my energy system on so many occasions, to help me take the next step.

I have behaved, at times, like a child, like a resentful adult, like a beleaguered woman, and I can now see where all of these aspects came from and why they reared their heads once more in such a massive attack. My partner being away was an ideal time for my Soul to have a final clear out of the crap I had held on to, from all areas in my life, from childhood and beyond. Him being away was a great opportunity for my soul to bring in so many seemingly unrelated issues, and let me notice them and begin to resolve them. There is a new me being born from this, one who is more fragile at present, yet also stronger. One who is more aware, yet more able to deal with the consequences of awareness without being pulled back down.

I also realised how much of myself I had given away to my partner as support over the last few years when he has been struggling. I hurt so much, felt so empty and alone because a part of me really was missing. It had gone with him, as part of his energy system and had left a gaping hole in my own. I asked for help to get this back, gently, and in a way that wouldn’t be a problem for him. It is happening slowly but surely.

I have learnt so much, have so much I am grateful for. I am not finished yet, there is further to go, but with constant awareness I can let go, immediately as the negatives appear, instead of having to sit back after the event and ask, ‘Where did I go wrong?’

There are many questions about our future, where we are going, that I now don’t need to know. They are unfolding, moment by moment and they will continue to do so. All I do know is that what is ahead is far better for all of us than what has gone before.


Kirsten Ivatts


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