This morning I awoke to some self-worth issues. I had put on a pound, and that was bad. I went on Facebook and yet again my partner had responded to everyone except me. I felt ignored. I shut doors, flushed toilets and ushered kids off to school, I felt ignored and taken for granted.
I sat down and wrote a list of all the things I felt I should be doing with my life. And then I wrote a list of all the things I WANTED to do with my life. I said that list out loud, three times.
I still felt this stirring of the mud in the lake of my Soul.
I sighed and wondered how many times I had to go through this, how many layers there were to traverse in this journey of life.
Then my higher self woke up.
She sat up and looked at things from the higher perspective. She said the weight would drop off again easily and quickly…it was a POUND for goodness sake!
She said I should make a list of all the little petty things I did for people so that they could be more aware of where I was picking up after them.
She ran movies in my head proving to me that my partner did NOT ignore me, how he relied on me for support and backup, and how I relied on him. She showed me our friendship, our love.
She them brought up in big neon lights the being ignored. I knew this was the part where I had to sit down and think!
So I sat, and I thought back to childhood. My parents hadn’t ignored me…what was this? Then I got an image of being in a school playground at the edge of a group of friends. I tried to talk but no one heard me.
And there it was. As a child, I felt that my peers ignored me. I was always on the edge of the group. There was no nastiness involved, just my voice wasn’t heard. I then wondered if this had contributed to all the throat infections I had as a child, and the not wanting to go to school, but rather stay at home where people listened and understood.
This poor little character in my story was still being ignored, and still feeling that no one that she wanted to hear would hear.
Of course I could see where MANY people listened. But many of these were not close to me, around me physically. I knew I had to sort out this character if my story was to go how I wanted it.
I want to be heard! I want my peers to listen and discuss. I want my book to be received and read, and listened to. I WANT MY VOICE TO BE HEARD EVERYWHERE!
And then I drew a card. The words on the front said
‘Trust Your Own Understanding.’
I actually had tears in the corners of my eyes. Confirmation from the Universe, my higher self that I was on track.
I realised I felt better already. But this character needed some love, and someone had to listen. So off I plodded into my story to find her.
It was Winter, 10.45am and she is in the school playground. She is 6 years old and standing by her best friend, and they are with three other girls in a circle whispering and giggling. She is just outside the circle. Listening and smiling and nodding, but when she speaks no one hears her or they cut her off. She doesn’t physically move but her energy withdraws. The more she does this the more invisible she becomes to the others.
I remember that she could be quite the leader in groups of younger children, or one on one, but these are her peers and suddenly she is lacking that confidence to be heard.
I go up to her and ask her what she thinks is happening, but she doesn’t know. I ask her how it makes her feel, and she says she wants to go home. She can feel it in her tummy and in her throat. I explain that her voice is too soft when she talks to them, it lacks power, and ask if she wants me to help her. She nods. So first I Emotrance the feeling in her stomach and throat away. She likes this. Her Daddy does healing like this and I say I know. She relaxes when she realises I know her Mummy and Daddy. Then I ask for something to give her voice power. A ball appears in my hands, swirling with rainbow colours. I realise as I hand it to her that it has a little spout for drinking from. I tell her to drink it, and she does. As the liquid goes down, the energy in me starts to shift, some comes up as a belch, some goes up my spine to the top of my head, some swirls around my chest and back. She is becoming more animated, smiling, talking louder. I can see the rainbow within her. When the liquid is gone the ball vanishes and she walks into the group, taking her place in the circle and gives her opinion to their discussion. They are all silent as she speaks. She gives them a different option and they all run off after her to play her game! I watch as she is suddenly the leader, they are listening, hanging on her words. She is happy and she is confident!
I leave that character alone now. But I wonder where the one is who originally felt that she couldn’t speak up.
I am shown a two year old girl, crying, holding her mummys hand. She has on a summer dress, and her mummy is telling her it will be ok, but she knows they are leaving there house to get on a train. And they are rushing before Daddy gets home and stops them. She doesn’t want to leave her house and her Daddy. But she doesn’t know how to say this, and Mummy wants to leave and go to her home, and her Mum, and this little two year old doesn’t know who they are and can’t visualise any of that.
Of course I know how this part of my story turns out, and all is good and well, even though Mum does leave my Dad. I get a wonderful step father, and a little sister, and I still have my Dad in my life. But none of that will mean anything to this little girl.
I ask for something to help her. Her Daddy appears. He comes and speaks to her Mum and he ends up driving them to her Nanas house. She doesn’t want her Daddy to go, so her Nanna says he can sleep on the sofa. There is a lot of sadness coming up with this, that I never knew I had. Her Daddy explains to her that he will come and see her, and that it will be better for her and mummy here. He holds her and tells her she will always be his little girl and he loves her.
I don’t remember my dad ever saying these things, or holding me like that. I knew when I was older that he FELT that way, but he didn’t know how to say it. But this little girl needed the people around her to all explain it, to get on in her presence and to be there for her at this strange time. By rewriting what happened this character feels better. She understands. And although she doesn’t like it, she knows that everyone will still be there for her. Because everyone has told her, said the words, shown their love in actions.
She waves goodbye knowing she will see Daddy in a week. And then happily goes with her Nana to bake bread.
How will this work make a difference? I am yet to fully find out. I feel different. I know myself better, understand myself, and that is a big plus. I feel happy to have helped two little parts of me, two characters in my story to feel better. That is a wonderful feeling!
I look back at the mornings events that led to this. If I want to be heard I have to speak up! I have to make others aware of where I feel ignored or taken for granted. Now that is very obvious, earlier it was shrouded in whirling emotion. So I have texted, very nicely, my partner who is away at present. I don’t want him to feel he has done something wrong, but I do want him to be aware that I AM HERE! I will let my kids know, nicely and calmly, tonight, where I had to pick up after them this morning and how that made me feel. If I don’t…how will they be aware?
And for the rest of the day? I will keep writing my book!
This voice wants to be heard!
Image is from The Natures Whispers Oracle Deck with paintings by Josephine Wall.
For help in dealing with YOUR Characters in YOUR Story please contact me.