I was angry the other day, Mother Bear angry. My little girl has started playgroup recently and loves to go, but once she is there she is very nervous and quiet (the opposite of how she is at home!). She has taken to bringing a small cuddly toy with her and she shoves it in her mouth when we walk in the door and chews it. The toy is a bit of a security blanket.
Then last week she decided not to take it. A good sign I thought, perhaps she was feeling a little less nervous. But when I dropped her off the next morning I was told that she had chewed the arm of her jumper instead and they had taken it off her so she couldn’t. Now this was said in her hearing as if she had been bad in doing this. I could see her get a little teary and for the first time she didn’t want me to go. I stayed a bit longer than normal and then she was taken from me so I could leave.
I strode home feeling angry. Firstly at staff who work with kids every day who couldn’t see the damage they wreaked, secondly in myself for not saying something then and there, even though I knew I needed time to calm down before speaking, and thirdly because I felt (then) that I should just have brought her home with me and never taken her back.
I have been practising for a while now though, sending out love t those who anger me and forgiving myself for the anger, or any other negative feeling. So I did just that, but also asked my daughters Goddess Sekhmet to watch over her and help her be strong and safe.
When I picked her up I was told she had been teary that day, and she came up to me and began crying when I arrived, which never happens. I felt like knocking everyone’s heads together and shouting, ‘Can’t you see why?’ but instead I sent out love and went home. The next day I decided to speak to the woman who is my child’s allotted adult, but when I got there she went off to play quite happily and I decided I was better speaking when I picked her up rather than hanging around.
When I got back for her I was shocked to see her joining in for the first time with the dancing and singing. She usually stands to the side and watches. The teacher gave her a sticker for joining in and then told me that she had had to get a little cross with her for self harming!!! I’m not sure how long my mouth was open for , but she told me they had removed her jumper and so she had chewed on her arm. I quickly checked her arm but there was nothing to see, and I decided perhaps that self harming was a little dramatic! But I then explained that I was feeling a little helpless because my daughter doesn’t do this at home, she doesn’t chew anything so I wasn’t in a position to stop her. I explained she did it only when she was at nursery and it was obviously because she was nervous. I surprised myself by staying calm all the while and I could see the teacher getting the message that they needed to be looking at addressing this nervousness rather than telling her off….about time too!
Then my daughter did a strange thing. She walked up to the teacher and held up her hands to be picked up. She then hugged her for a good two minutes while we talked without saying anything! The woman really softened, although I don’t think she was aware of the change in herself. I watched my daughter perform magic, by hugging someone who perhaps just needed a bit of love shown to THEM!
I learnt a lot in those two minutes. I learnt to keep going with the love projection and drop judgements about people. I learnt to open my damn mouth and speak in a calm but deliberate and concise way about the predicament without letting Mother Bear take over, and I learnt that my daughter, who I always knew was an ancient soul, has ways of taking care of her self that I would never have imagined.
I also learnt this. Children act of their awareness without letting the mind jump in and take over. I hope my daughter made a firm friend on Friday and that now the nervous issues will begin to clear once and for all.