Today I am voicing long held back anger….even though I can understand the reasons behind this thing, that angers me, and have no wish to lay any finger of blame. Still
I AM ANGRY….
And I will let it out.
I am angry about the way Motherhood has been stifled into some withered, plastic, unemotional, unattractive, unproductive wreck. I am angry because of the way this stifling has affected the whole world, and how it can be seen in so many problems we have as a society today.
I will give you a little background story.
Firstly I have been a mother for nearly 32 years. My eldest is nearly 32, the next one down is 21, the next one down is nearly 15 and the youngest is nearly 6, so as you can see I have actually been mothering children for nearly 32 years, they are not all grown up and gone! It has been hard, and sometimes I have done it alone, and a lot of the time I have taken on full responsibility in relationships too for these children. I have sacrificed a hell of a lot, been through hell, as well as heaven, and learnt more than I could ever put down in a book you would want to read!
For a lot of my mothering years I strove to work, find work, make money, because that is what a good woman does these days. In the mean time I also tried to be a wonderful, caring, understanding Mother. As well as being a partner, wife, etc, etc…you know the story. That striving brought me discomfort, and in many ways it took me away from being a mother because….being a mother doesn’t pay the bills.
It made me resent, at times, my children, and the time they took away from me. I had no parents who could step in and take over while I worked, no money for childcare. But I also had no WANT in me to hand over my children to others to bring up. I was torn between wanting to be at home when they came home from school, be there when they were off sick, I wanted to enjoy them while they were young, grow with them, soak up each moment. I wanted to be the one who taught them HOW to BE in the world, and thinking that all that wasn’t worth a bean.
The second part of my background story is much more recent and doesn’t seem connected at all on first glance. I snore….
I also have sinus problems, have done for years, it runs in the family along with the snoring. After trying many, many things I turned to an Energist friend who is also a Homeopath and a psychic. After an hour and a half of some wonderful insights I had many intuitive nudges confirmed. The sinuses and snoring were nudges to look at what I was stifling, and not letting breath in my life, where I wasn’t voicing my true self. It also showed where I needed to do some ancestor work to clear problems further down the line.
After doing this ancestor work things have begun to change. I am being presented with a new perspective on the world that you may have noticed in recent blogs. And this has led to a realisation of which Aspects of me were not pulling together and were keeping me from being one unified Being.
No 1 Aspect was the one who needed to earn money…NEEDED!
No 2 Aspect was the lightworker/healer/guide whatever you want to call her.
No 3 Aspect was the Mother.
These three have to work together for me to feel I can give the world what I am here to give. One session with them has brought on some massive changes. The two that were most at odds were a bit of a shock….the lightworker and the mother. The money needing aspect was dealt with easily and has now shrunk to the tiniest imp like creature who is actually rather enjoying herself!
The Lightworker was striving to get out there and be heard, but was frustrated with the Mother, because she felt the Mother held her back. The lightworker turned out to be the masculine part of me, and showed up like an androgynous angel! The Mother was depressed, a mess, shoulders bent, exhausted. No one was supporting her, no one was caring for her, everyone was looking the other way.
I explained to the Lightworker that it had some amazing tools to help the Mother to blossom, and that it had to start paying her attention. She was part of this double act, the divine feminine in action, but she needed to bloom!
Well after a lot of work with these two there has been a very loving merging. They are still two, but they are merged into one, let’s say couple bubble, and the Mother is like a wilted plant that has been offered water. She is coming alive.
Out of all of these aspects she is the most surprising and some of my anger is at myself. For years I have fought against being a mother, and have stifled her. But for years she has fought back, trying to show me what I was missing, overlooking, not just in my children but in myself.
But now she is blooming she is god damn angry at this world! She is angry at the way motherhood is no longer a sacred, blessed creative endeavour of love. It has been cheapened, downgraded, downtrodden, overlooked. This is mirrored in the Earth herself, and the Divine Feminine role in balancing ourselves as Souls living this game through this human shell.
She has been angry for a long time, I just hadn’t pinned down who was angry and so hadn’t understood why.
She is standing up now and shouting
‘I ENJOY BEING A MOTHER!’
‘I AM WORTHY OF THIS AMAZING ROLE THAT ONLY WOMEN CAN DO AND I AM SO GLAD I WAS BORN A WOMAN!’ (she has NEVER said that before!)
‘BEING A MOTHER IS WORTH MORE THAN ANY SALARY ANYONE COULD EVER AFFORD TO PAY. IT IS PRICELESS! SO STOP, BRINGING IT DOWN AND MAKING WOMEN TURN THEIR BACK ON IT!’
I think she has more to say…this beautiful aspect. But she doesn’t wish to stay angry. She wishes to show the world just how worthy she is of the four gifts that she was handed to cherish, and teach, and love. And if that means turning her back on all that society tells her she MUST do and she MUST think then she is MORE than ready!
P.S. I have opened a group that may interest you on Facebook called Supporting The Process of Awakening. It is a closed group so the posts do not show on your timeline. If you would like to join us just follow the link.